un_gloved | (no subject)

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Rogue's room had the air of one that was unlived in. It had been almost half a year since she'd begun sleeping at other people's places. Mostly Spike's, a few times Wolverine's, but almost never in a room alone. She spent time her in her room, and kept things there, but it didn't feel the way it had when it had been constantly a mess and fully hers.

That kind of thing seemed to be going around. At least, her room wasn't the only thing that felt half-alien and unfamiliar.

After more than two hours of not moving, Rogue's eyelids twitched. Her lashes fluttered open and she took in the room with a calm, steady gaze. Not sedated- not any more- although a certain lethargy clung to her initial movements, turning her head and and shifting against the mattress, pushing herself up on her elbows and frowning a little as her head fell forward, heavy.

"Mnh."

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What good?

"Non," I say, shaking my head, but I can't bring myself to pull my hand away. "Rogue, I ran wit' you guys for a couple months 'fore I came here, it was never supposed to be a permanent t'ing. Maybe it mighta turned into dat, but... not for me. I'm no X-Man. Even here, when dere are no X-Men, I'm an outsider."

And yeah, maybe dat's only my fault, maybe I could change it if I made an effort, but it's best to get her used to de idea now, before she goes and wins dat fight in her head.

It stung fiercely to hear, and she felt stupid for a moment. Her fingers curled under her palm, sliding off of his hand, and she looked down. He had a point. She was always aware of the fact that he'd barely been with the X-Men back home, but after the time they'd spent on the island, and the time she'd known him back home, it was impossible to think of him that way.

Liken an acquaintance. Or like she didn't know him. She shook her head and fanned her fingers out to cross his again, squeezing his hand and turning her face back toward him.

"Maybe so. I was the same. They hated me when I joined up, even the professor didn't like me. Thought I'd be in 'n out 'n they became my family. 'n maybe that hasn't happened for you yet, so Ah- I can't expect you to... feel the same, but I know the capacity for good you got in you. I know it, even if you don't."

"You know de capacity I got for everyt'ing," I say, but it's not much of a rebuttal. 'Specially not wit' her hand on mine and me makin' no moves to change dat situation.

She don't know what she knows.

Rogue let out a breath that, under different circumstances, could have been a laugh, and shook her head.

"Ah don't know what I know," she sighed, "which ain't anything new. Remy... what are these memories of?"

"De past," is all I say, but I don't go any further than dat. It don't matter what kinda looks she gives me, what she says, dis ain't anything I can explain to her. To anyone, really, but 'specially not to her. Let her find out if she has to, but I can't tell her what I did. "One night dat changed me, and not for de better. If you really care 'bout me, Rogue, you'll leave it at dat."

Rogue didn't move for a moment, then ducked her head and nodded. She swallowed, clamping down on her breath, wholly unwilling to let herself so much as tear up. It was difficult.

"'m sorry," she whispered. "This shouldn't even- it wouldn't even be in mah head if Ah coulda just-"

She sank back against the wall and turned her face away so she could make a go at wiping away the traitorous tears that were trying to roll down her cheeks. It meant she had to take her hand away from Remy's, and she tried to think of it as not a meaningful gesture in any way.

"Things were endin' so fast 'n we couldn't- we'd failed, the X-Men had failed, we couldn't stop what was happenin' 'n Ah just..." She covered her face with one hand for a moment until she realized she wasn't going to be getting her composure back. She slid it behind her neck, knees drawing up, folding into herself protectively, and tried her hardest to manage an apologetic, sad sort of smile.

"Ah just couldn't stand the thought of dyin' without ever havin' touched you. I'm sorry."

"Non," I say, automatically moving to sit at her feet on de bed, staying close long as I can. "No apologies, no tears, not for dis, not for my sake, y'hear?" She's de one who's all messed up on account of what I've done, she doesn't get to be sorry for dat. I'm not worth it.

"I may not know all dat much 'bout what went on between us, but I know I'd've said de same."

She bit her lower lip and nodded, solemnly. He wasn't going to tell her. Whatever it was, it was too deep a secret, that much was clear. She just wasn't sure what that meant for her.

"Okay," she sighed, blinking rapidly, the last of her tears clinging to her lashes.

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