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[un_gloved]

Rogue's room had the air of one that was unlived in. It had been almost half a year since she'd begun sleeping at other people's places. Mostly Spike's, a few times Wolverine's, but almost never in a room alone. She spent time her in her room, and kept things there, but it didn't feel the way it had when it had been constantly a mess and fully hers.

That kind of thing seemed to be going around. At least, her room wasn't the only thing that felt half-alien and unfamiliar.

After more than two hours of not moving, Rogue's eyelids twitched. Her lashes fluttered open and she took in the room with a calm, steady gaze. Not sedated- not any more- although a certain lethargy clung to her initial movements, turning her head and and shifting against the mattress, pushing herself up on her elbows and frowning a little as her head fell forward, heavy.

"Mnh."

Comments

[un-gloved.livejournal.com]

She wanted to say Nothin', just to be difficult and petty, but she was tired, and he was so close.

"She didn't like me much the first time we met, 'n the second time was- she was sick, in a coma. You went lookin' for some people who had a way t'help her, 'n I stayed behind t'make sure she was safe. 'n Ah... My gloves were off 'n she reached out, some kinda reflex t'me tugging the sheets a little closer around her, 'n she grabbed my hand."

It sounded so close to the truth she could almost have made herself believe that was all of it.

"When you came back 'n she woke up, she didn't know who you were. Who anyone was. I'd wiped her clean."

[thedevilhisdue]

It's pretty damn tricky to reconcile how scattered I am right now for Rogue's sake (and mine, fine, I won't lie) wit' de pang I feel, imagining Bella Donna like dat, but hey, I'm a big boy. I manage.

"Dat'd do it," I say quietly, not sure what else to say on de matter. Rogue may be de only one who matters now, but... merde.

[un-gloved.livejournal.com]

Rogue didn't cringe, but it was a near thing. She slid her arms around herself and kept her gaze down, anywhere but on Gambit.

"'m sorry," she said. "'m still sorry. But she- we're even."

[thedevilhisdue]

"Even?" I ask, a little incredulous, before shaking my head. Dis ain't a fight, and dat ain't my life. Not anymore. Of course, dat all begs to question as to whether or not de rest of it's my business, either. I'm ignoring dat little earworm, though.

"'S'okay. None o' my business at de end o' de day. Heck, maybe she's better off dat way."

[un-gloved.livejournal.com]

"Don't- That's not-" Rogue bit the sentence off and shook her head.

"Doesn't matter how many rounds you go hurtin' each other, when it's said 'n done you're all worse off. She... We're both responsible, but it's over. She came at me where it hurt the most, same as I did her. Pulled you in, pulled Cody in, got Candra involved- It may seem a hard thing t'fathom, but believe me. Me 'n her, we're just about square."

She dug her fingertips into the place Bella had driven that knife, the place in her shoulder that miraculously didn't bear a scar, focusing hard to push the ache and the memory into submission. She didn't have it in her to give Remy the blow-by-blow of their time in the South together. It was messy, and wasn't as pressing as the rest of what had happened. She knew that in her gut.

"I can't remember," she murmured, closing her eyes and frowning.

"What happened next."

[thedevilhisdue]

Strangely, de part of all dat I have de most trouble wrapping my head around is de reminder of how much more has gone on 'tween us from her side of t'ings den from mine. Months, years of a relationship I know next to nuthin' about despite livin' wit' it for more den a year now.

"Wh- what makes you t'ink dere was more?" I ask, still thrown.

[un-gloved.livejournal.com]

"Ah c'n feel it," she said quietly, opening her eyes, picking absently at the bedsheets.

"That 'n Ah don't think you've ever stuttered in front o'me in your life." She looked up at him, scared and trying not to be.

"The things Ah was sayin', it... I was afraid for somebody? Tryin' to help someone. But-" Her brow furrowed and she dragged a hand across her face, trying to smooth it out.

"That wasn't Creed. Ah heard his voice but it was- I was hearin' it, it wasn't... the memories weren't his." She was aware of how deeply uncomfortable Gambit was. It didn't make her feel any better, but it made her somehow much more secure in the feeling that she was angling toward the right thing. That wasn't a good sign for their relationship or whatever memories she was missing, but it also didn't mean she could back away from them. She slid her fingertips along her temples and into her hair, closing her eyes again, trying to utilize the techniques the Professor had taught her so long ago, and that Emma Frost had been reinforcing more recently. To not dig, to sift, to try to be open to what was there without being overwhelmed by it.

So when it hit her from a purely intellectual angle that clearly the source of the dark impenetrable memories was the person next to her, she couldn't help but feel startled and a little betrayed, though not by him.

Not yet.

She opened her eyes and slid her hands down to cover her mouth with the both of them, and looked at Gambit with an expression of dawning horror. How the hell was she going to explain this? And how was he?

"...It's you," she said, barely whispered, "isn't it? Oh, God, it's you."

[thedevilhisdue]

I don't react. I can't react, not when everyt'ing she's dredging up is stuff I never anticipated needing a reaction to. I was s'posed to be long gone out o' de X-Men's lives by de time all dis came out, but dat's not exactly an option dese days. Nowhere to run to.

Dat don't stop me from throwing a quick glance over my shoulder just in case.

"When did it happen?" I ask quietly, and it isn't just my way of keeping her talking, keeping her from realizing dat what she's remembering might be familiar for all de wrong reasons, keeping her from hating me for at least a couple more minutes. I really do want to know.

[un-gloved.livejournal.com]

Rogue shook her head, tilting her chin down into her hand.

"Oh God forgive me," she whispered, dredging up fortitude enough to look Gambit in the eyes. It wasn't easy.

"I kissed you. The last thing I did before I woke up here was kiss you."

[thedevilhisdue]

Heh. Even when she's already got me out on a wire wit'out a net, ready for de absolute worst, she still finds new ways to catch me off guard. A God-given talent, dat.

"Wit' de way t'ings stood between us when I left, always figured a fight was more likely," I say, and I don't actually mean to say it out loud. But no... if she got my memories back home, den dat part likely came right after.

"Don't be... you're not de one who needs to be lookin' upstairs for forgiveness, Rogue. If I was gonna be damned, I can't think of any other way I'd want to go."

And it was always inevitable.

[un-gloved.livejournal.com]

"No," she said earnestly, leaning forward and reaching out to catch his hand, "don't say that, not ever. We've all done wrong, we make mistakes, 'n someone's gotta pay for 'em, an' for the longest time it- it feels like it's everyone else, but in the end it's us. 'n whatever you did, whatever Ah'm fightin' pieces of up here, it doesn't negate all the good you've done. You're an X-Man, Remy, that counts for somethin'."

[thedevilhisdue]

What good?

"Non," I say, shaking my head, but I can't bring myself to pull my hand away. "Rogue, I ran wit' you guys for a couple months 'fore I came here, it was never supposed to be a permanent t'ing. Maybe it mighta turned into dat, but... not for me. I'm no X-Man. Even here, when dere are no X-Men, I'm an outsider."

And yeah, maybe dat's only my fault, maybe I could change it if I made an effort, but it's best to get her used to de idea now, before she goes and wins dat fight in her head.

[un-gloved.livejournal.com]

It stung fiercely to hear, and she felt stupid for a moment. Her fingers curled under her palm, sliding off of his hand, and she looked down. He had a point. She was always aware of the fact that he'd barely been with the X-Men back home, but after the time they'd spent on the island, and the time she'd known him back home, it was impossible to think of him that way.

Liken an acquaintance. Or like she didn't know him. She shook her head and fanned her fingers out to cross his again, squeezing his hand and turning her face back toward him.

"Maybe so. I was the same. They hated me when I joined up, even the professor didn't like me. Thought I'd be in 'n out 'n they became my family. 'n maybe that hasn't happened for you yet, so Ah- I can't expect you to... feel the same, but I know the capacity for good you got in you. I know it, even if you don't."

[thedevilhisdue]

"You know de capacity I got for everyt'ing," I say, but it's not much of a rebuttal. 'Specially not wit' her hand on mine and me makin' no moves to change dat situation.

She don't know what she knows.

[un-gloved.livejournal.com]

Rogue let out a breath that, under different circumstances, could have been a laugh, and shook her head.

"Ah don't know what I know," she sighed, "which ain't anything new. Remy... what are these memories of?"

[thedevilhisdue]

"De past," is all I say, but I don't go any further than dat. It don't matter what kinda looks she gives me, what she says, dis ain't anything I can explain to her. To anyone, really, but 'specially not to her. Let her find out if she has to, but I can't tell her what I did. "One night dat changed me, and not for de better. If you really care 'bout me, Rogue, you'll leave it at dat."

[un-gloved.livejournal.com]

Rogue didn't move for a moment, then ducked her head and nodded. She swallowed, clamping down on her breath, wholly unwilling to let herself so much as tear up. It was difficult.

"'m sorry," she whispered. "This shouldn't even- it wouldn't even be in mah head if Ah coulda just-"

She sank back against the wall and turned her face away so she could make a go at wiping away the traitorous tears that were trying to roll down her cheeks. It meant she had to take her hand away from Remy's, and she tried to think of it as not a meaningful gesture in any way.

"Things were endin' so fast 'n we couldn't- we'd failed, the X-Men had failed, we couldn't stop what was happenin' 'n Ah just..." She covered her face with one hand for a moment until she realized she wasn't going to be getting her composure back. She slid it behind her neck, knees drawing up, folding into herself protectively, and tried her hardest to manage an apologetic, sad sort of smile.

"Ah just couldn't stand the thought of dyin' without ever havin' touched you. I'm sorry."

[thedevilhisdue]

"Non," I say, automatically moving to sit at her feet on de bed, staying close long as I can. "No apologies, no tears, not for dis, not for my sake, y'hear?" She's de one who's all messed up on account of what I've done, she doesn't get to be sorry for dat. I'm not worth it.

"I may not know all dat much 'bout what went on between us, but I know I'd've said de same."

[un-gloved.livejournal.com]

She bit her lower lip and nodded, solemnly. He wasn't going to tell her. Whatever it was, it was too deep a secret, that much was clear. She just wasn't sure what that meant for her.

"Okay," she sighed, blinking rapidly, the last of her tears clinging to her lashes.